I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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