Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Randomize
