Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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