I am spending my child support on dildos
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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