Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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