Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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