Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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