Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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