So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Randomize
