There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
