I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
