Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
