The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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