Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
