and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
