my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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