Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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