She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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