Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
