i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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