Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
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