god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
