I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
