I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
