I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
