Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
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