Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I had to cum in my sink.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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