I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
