dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
