Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
