eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
