Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Can you bring me the toilet please
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
