if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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