im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
