So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize