i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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