Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
