tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
