Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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