Your face is a jimmy john
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
