I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
