i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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