Screwed.edu
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
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