I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
