I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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