Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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