I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
