After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
