He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
