I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
now i know why i became what i already was.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
