Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
