My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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