did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
